Tuesday, April 26, 2011

#1171, #1235, #1432, #1464, #1527: Mondegreens Part 3

#1171: 'Don't Mess with Bill' by the Marvelettes
Misheard lyric (my grade school friend Mandi): "Don't masturbate"
Actual lyric: "Don't mess with Bill"

#1235: 'Tired of Sex' by Weezer
Misheard lyric (Beth and Erin): "Tuesday night I'm makin' a man"
Actual lyric: "Tuesday night I'm makin' Lyn"

#1432: 'Woman, Woman' by Gary Puckett & the Union Gap
Misheard lyric (Chris): "Have you been eating off my knife?"
Actual lyric: "Have you got cheating on your mind?"

#1464: 'Devil in Disguise' by Elvis Presley
Misheard lyric (Chris): "You're the devil in my eye"
Actual lyric: "You're the devil in disguise"

#1527: 'Art School Girl' by Stone Temple Pilots
Misheard lyric (Beth and Erin): "I told you 500 times! I told you 500 times!"
Actual lyric: "I told you five or four times! I told you five or four times!"

Thursday, April 21, 2011

The List #1285: Our Vision of Davy Jones as a Family Man

Sometimes Erin and I have visions. Not like we can see into the future or anything--just that we can picture something so clearly that it is almost as if that thing is absolutely true. Usually the vision starts with just one of us, but then the other gets swept up by the raw power and intensity of the vision and begins to fill in the gaps.

Several years ago we were driving to Pittsburgh to visit a friend, when we passed a sign for Beaver, PA. One of us (I think maybe me) said "Hey! That's where Davy Jones lives now!" (That wasn't part of the vision--we'd recently read it in a magazine or something.)

So a conversation began around what the former member of the Monkees' life was probably like out there in the hills of Beaver. We knew he had a wife and a few kids, but that's pretty much the extent of it. Left with an enormous amount of room for imagination, this is what we came up with:

It is the 4th of July in Beaver, PA. Davy is hosting a backyard family barbecue. He is holding a plate of baked beans, potato salad and a hot dog, and a cup of lemonade while playing football with his nephews in short shorts with the white stripes on the side and wearing ankle socks that are white and have those deep grooves and white Reeboks and taking a tray of hot dogs through a sliding door to the people inside.

I don't know how he was doing all of those things at once, but he was. We were caught up in the frenzy of this wonderfully mundane scenario, which was rendered somewhat magical when attributed to one of our childhood heroes.

To this day, I kind of believe that it really must have happened...exactly as we envisioned it. Fortunately, in our version he wasn't showing off his manboobs.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

the list #3205

dou*ble has*sel*hoff

definition: the manliest sandwich you could imagine. it would include "every kind of meat ever. and chest hair."

origin: the superfriends


Monday, April 11, 2011

the list #1459

funerals are never fun.

that is, unless you're in our family, where we have a knack for turning even the most inappropriate and solemn occasions into a bearable (if not hilarious) happening.

years ago our family attended a wake for a family friend that only my parents knew. my two younger brothers and i stood with our parents, not really knowing anyone else in attendance. eventually beth's family showed up as well and all of us kids huddled together uneasily. at this point in our lives we hadn't attended many wakes or funerals, and we were all feeling a bit uneasy and out of place. we followed our parents up to the casket where they paid their last respects, then stood talking to a bunch of old people we didn't know. grown-ups. sheeeesh.

one thing that was really weirding out us kids was the fact that the man in the casket had sunglasses on. i'm sure we made some inappropriate jokes about roy orbison. whatever the case, we could not take our eyes off him.

the man whose father was in the casket walked up to our family. us kids knew him only vaguely, and hadn't seen him in quite some time.

"mike, shake his hand!" our mom encouraged. a look of abject horror spread across his face. mike looked at my mom with an expression that said, "if you really love me, you won't make me do it." the man extended his hand. our mom nudged mike in the shoulder. mike took his hand and shook it in return.

later on, my mom asked my brother why he didn't want to shake the man's hand.

"i thought you were talking about the guy in the casket!" mike exclaimed, clearly relieved to find out he was sorely mistaken.

there was also the time our two families were at the funeral home listening to a priest give the eulogy. we were already delighted that he looked like a monk rather than a priest, but then beth and i were apparently the only ones who noticed him burp in the middle of his eulogy and contine talking as if nothing happened.
holding back laughter when it's completely inappropriate to do so is one of our specialties.

and of course, whenever the topic of funerals arises, i can't help but think of the time beth busted out with this gem seemingly out of nowhere: "i liked your grandma's funeral the most because they had some really good bakery!" (list #2560)

glad to see you have your priorities in perspective, cousin!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

#2057: Watching ‘The Big Lebowski’ (not really)

One lazy afternoon (maybe in the summer), Erin and I were sitting in her living room with nothing to do. As she scrolled through the TV guide channel, we saw that "The Big Lebowski" was playing on one of the movie channels. Never having seen it, and finding it hilarious that we actually knew someone with the last name of Lebowski who was very short (a 'SMALL Lebowski, get it?), we decided to give it a whirl.

Before reading on, please note the fact that we knew nothing about the movie’s plot, nor had we any idea who was actually in it…

When we first put it on, I noticed that the woman looked really familiar. “I think that’s Tia Carrere or whatever her name is,” I said.

A few minutes later, Zak Orth (Wet Hot American Summer, various Stella sketches) graced the screen. We were both surprised because we didn’t know that he was famous enough to be cast in a movie such as "The Big Lebowski".

After about half an hour, we were completely confused. Not one person had been referred to as "Lebowski". “Maybe it’s one of those things where you don’t find out who Lebowski is until the end,” I said. Erin suggested, “Maybe Lebowski isn’t a person. Maybe it’s a noun.”

So we continued watching, thinking that maybe the word "lebowski" referred to a mix-up of some kind, as in “Boy was THAT a big lebowski!” We became more convinced of the possibility as the plot thickened…this kid (played by Jason London) was totally in love with his hot math tutor and had just found out that she was actually HIS MATH TEACHER’S WIFE! What a big lebowski! Or maybe not…

(By the way...just in case "lebowski" actually WAS a noun and not a name, we did our due diligence by consulting the nearest Webster's. As you can probably guess, no "lebowski" to be found.)

One of us suggested that we check the actual printed TV guide to make sure that we were, in fact, watching the movie we thought we were watching. There it was, plain as day: channel 147 (or something), from 2pm-4pm (or sometime), "The Big Lebowski".

Somehow convinced that the TV guide channel and the printed TV guide could not possibly BOTH be wrong, we watched the entire movie all the way through the end credits, still wondering what in heaven’s name “The Big Lebowski” referred to and why everyone seemed to love it so much considering how utterly cheesy and lame it was.

Completely stymied, we finally decided to consult the internet. We searched for "The Big Lebowski" and immediately recognized that it was TOTALLY not what we had been watching. Jeff Bridges? John Goodman? They were SO not in that movie! We were flabbergasted to learn that bowling was such a large part of the plot, as no one had even mentioned bowling in the movie we’d been watching! What HAD we been watching anyway?

I figured that if we searched for Tia Carrere movies we’d probably find it, and we most certainly did: we’d spent the afternoon watching "My Teacher's Wife". Now THAT made some sense!

Postscript: To this day, neither one of us has actually seen "The Big Lebowski".

the list #3148

...because sometimes all you need is a good quote to get you through your day:

"i want cellophane wrapped around my face until i get light-headed and die. and then i want carl monday to find me." -joe t.


Monday, April 4, 2011

the list #159

here is a little family history lesson to keep you in the know.

my mom and beth's dad are brother and sister. my mom was the big sister.


beth and i were born less than a year apart. because our families have always been pretty close, we spent a lot of time together as kids. we had our first pajama parties together, where we watched reruns of "the monkees" and my mom helped us make our own lasagna.


one time beth was over our house and i was telling her about the movie i had just seen called "pinocchio." there was a particular scene that struck me as very funny where jiminy cricket is warming himself by the fire. when i was little and saw this movie, i mistakenly thought that he had no pants on because as you can plainly see, his pants match the color of his face exactly:


this is a confusing thing for a 4-year-old. still, it was funny, so i reenacted the scene for beth by pulling down my pants and rubbing my butt like he does to warm himself up in the movie.

in a prime example of extremely bad timing, my mom walked in the room and saw me not just mooning my cousin but rubbing my naked butt at her. i can only imagine the horror she must have felt. beth was either giggling, or covering her mouth in disbelief. i was sent to the corner as punishment.

years later, beth and i would tell the story to my mom and it turns out that she had no idea what i was doing (how could she?!) but it made for an even better story when she finally knew the truth. i guess mom was right when she said, "you guys are obsessed with body parts and you always have been!" (list # 2504)

for the record, here is the clip (at 4:00) that up until today i wasn't sure if i completely imagined. my 4-year-old self feels completely triumphant.