Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The List #3094: Oh Sheetz

There is so much to love about Sheetz. Not only does the name of the place lend itself to some great wordplay ("I've got the Sheetz!"), but you could practically go grocery shopping there. They've got everything you could possibly need: individually shrink-wrapped pickles, 14 different brands of bottled water, applesauce in a pouch, one of those machines where you put a cup of frozen goop in and it turns into a milkshake...the list goes on and on.

But probably the most revolutionary aspect of Sheetz is their "MTO", or "Made to Order" system.

Erin and I had never heard of this concept until about 6 or 7 years ago when returning to Cleveland from NYC. We waited in the car while our friend Ezra, who had been driving, went inside Sheetz to get some food. When he got back into the car, he said "It's OK, you can be jealous...I got a shmagel!"

"A what?!" we asked incredulously.

"A shmagel," he replied, as if we would somehow understand him if he simply repeated himself.

"A WHAT!?!?" we shrieked.

"ALL SHMAGEL!" he declared through a mouthful of egg, bacon, and god knows what else.

Had we been familiar with Sheetz' MTO system at the time, we would have known that he was referring to what a layperson would call an "everything bagel sandwich". It's a branding thing--the menu also includes such items as "Shwings" and "Shnack Wraps".

Regardless of the kooky naming conventions (fryz or nachoz anybody?), the convenience of ordering through a touch screen vs. actually having to interact with the employees is unmatched, and the food itself is superb.

I recommend the pretzel meltz.

Monday, December 12, 2011

the list # 768


my mom was always a very crafty lady.

from little painted plaques that read "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" to the (sorta creepy) faceless plush amish dolls i remember growing up, she was always making something. among her many talents, most often she could be found sewing: little angel ornaments that hung on the christmas tree, pairs of monkees pajama pants that i inexplicably split in the crotch, pillows for my brother once his favorite shirt (with pictures of tools on the front) became too small for him to fit into anymore.

resourceful as she was talented, my mom decided one year that she would use some cute christmas fabric and sew up a bunch of reusable drawstring bags that we could use to "wrap" our presents in. it seemed like a great idea all around; we wouldn't be wasting things, there would be no big mess to clean up, there wouldn't be the added expense of buying rolls of wrapping paper, and we could use the bags again the next year.

my family sat around the christmas tree opening gifts. my grandma and uncle were on the couch, my dad was in his armchair, my mom was kneeling beside the tree to hand out gifts, and i sat on the floor with my two younger brothers mike (8) and chris (7).

it was my turn to open something, so my mom passed my brother a big red cloth bag to hand to me. a huge grin spread across chris' face as he pointed to the bag in my hand.


not wanting to give away the surprise before i could even open my present, my dad tried to quiet him.

"chris, hush!" but he was persistent.


everyone looked around at each other, puzzled, while chris giggled at his own personal joke.

"I KNOW WHERE YOU HIDE THOSE DIAPER THINGS!" he exclaimed, obviously proud of himself for his discovery.

he tried getting up, muttering, "i'll show you!" when my mom, red-faced, handed him the biggest bag she could find and told him to sit down and open his presents. while he was distracted with nintendo games and teenage mutant ninja turtles, my mom quietly slipped away to hide the stash of maxi pads that was kept in the bathroom under the sink in her cute little red drawstring bag.

we never used those cloth bags on christmas again.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

the list # 860


one summer day, beth and i found ourselves at a party surrounded by a bunch of white trash. it was a birthday party for one of our cousins with a side of the family we had just recently "acquired." an uncle (who admitted to me that he wanted a tasmanian devil tattoo on his leg) married our aunt (stereotypically from - you guessed it - west virginia) and the aunt had a bunch of family over that we had never met before. it was the kind of place where there were too many dogs running around and children who probably never owned a pair of socks or shoes.


we were outside in the backyard, trying to steer clear of most of the company. because it was so hot, all the kids who were at the party were playing with the hose. some were filling up water balloons, which they then used to chase people around the backyard with. eventually the kids happened upon an easy target, a chubby preteen named henry that they were able to corner behind some cars and pelt with half a dozen water balloons. a few of the smaller kids tried to grab him by the arms to hold him in place while the other kids hit him with water balloons and tried to turn the hose on him. our 3-year-old cousin grabbed him by the leg and held on tight, making it impossible for henry to run away.

"WHAT IS THIS?!? BEAT UP HENRY DAY?!" the fat kid cried.

yes, we decided. yes it is.

so feel free to beat up anyone named henry today. and if they demand to know why, tell them you can't help that it was declared a holiday 16 years ago and they'll just have to live with it, even if that means living in fear every june 12th.


Wednesday, June 1, 2011

the list #2177

beth and i have this really elusive friend named larry. he was always a very secretive person and would appear and disappear from people's lives like a phantom. people would lose track of him, try to get a hold of him, and not be able to reach him for months (or years!) at a time. sometimes its hard to believe he ever really existed at all. this last stretch where he went missing has been going on for what seems like forever (but is probably more like 5 years). this must be even weirder for beth to deal with, seeing as how she once dated phantom larry.

during one of the periods where phantom larry was able to be located, the three of us went to the movies to see "wet hot american summer" -- an entry in itself but i'll save that for another update.


after the movie was over, we set out on our way home but made a wrong turn somewhere and ended up in the worst part of town ever. it was already night, and the three of us had no idea how to find our way home especially in the dark. we hoped that phantom larry would take charge of the situation and ease our fears because beth and i were close to tears, but he had no idea how to find his way home either. this was before the popularity of cell phones, and none of us had one available. we were not about to stop for a pay phone and risk leaving the safety of the car...not that we could even FIND a pay phone anyway.

we were getting hopeless and desperate when suddenly, the voice of eric clapton came streaming out of beth's car stereo. before we knew what was happening, the three of us were singing along at the top of our lungs to "tears in heaven." i think i speak for all of us when i say i fucking hate eric clapton. normally i couldn't tell you the words to a single song. yet like magic, everyone knew all the words to the song and we belted it out with completely inappropriate enthusiasm considering the subject matter at hand (his son falling out of a building - yikes). also like magic, beth began taking random turns and we excitedly began pointing out things we recognized.

"i know where we are! turn here!" we whooped and hollered and sang "tears in heaven" even louder, pounding our fists on the roof of the car when it became too much and we could not contain ourselves.

just like that, we were back on familiar turf. we knew if it weren't for eric clapton, we would have been lost in the ghetto forever.


this one's for you, phantom larry...wherever you are!


Tuesday, April 26, 2011

#1171, #1235, #1432, #1464, #1527: Mondegreens Part 3

#1171: 'Don't Mess with Bill' by the Marvelettes
Misheard lyric (my grade school friend Mandi): "Don't masturbate"
Actual lyric: "Don't mess with Bill"

#1235: 'Tired of Sex' by Weezer
Misheard lyric (Beth and Erin): "Tuesday night I'm makin' a man"
Actual lyric: "Tuesday night I'm makin' Lyn"

#1432: 'Woman, Woman' by Gary Puckett & the Union Gap
Misheard lyric (Chris): "Have you been eating off my knife?"
Actual lyric: "Have you got cheating on your mind?"

#1464: 'Devil in Disguise' by Elvis Presley
Misheard lyric (Chris): "You're the devil in my eye"
Actual lyric: "You're the devil in disguise"

#1527: 'Art School Girl' by Stone Temple Pilots
Misheard lyric (Beth and Erin): "I told you 500 times! I told you 500 times!"
Actual lyric: "I told you five or four times! I told you five or four times!"

Thursday, April 21, 2011

The List #1285: Our Vision of Davy Jones as a Family Man

Sometimes Erin and I have visions. Not like we can see into the future or anything--just that we can picture something so clearly that it is almost as if that thing is absolutely true. Usually the vision starts with just one of us, but then the other gets swept up by the raw power and intensity of the vision and begins to fill in the gaps.

Several years ago we were driving to Pittsburgh to visit a friend, when we passed a sign for Beaver, PA. One of us (I think maybe me) said "Hey! That's where Davy Jones lives now!" (That wasn't part of the vision--we'd recently read it in a magazine or something.)

So a conversation began around what the former member of the Monkees' life was probably like out there in the hills of Beaver. We knew he had a wife and a few kids, but that's pretty much the extent of it. Left with an enormous amount of room for imagination, this is what we came up with:

It is the 4th of July in Beaver, PA. Davy is hosting a backyard family barbecue. He is holding a plate of baked beans, potato salad and a hot dog, and a cup of lemonade while playing football with his nephews in short shorts with the white stripes on the side and wearing ankle socks that are white and have those deep grooves and white Reeboks and taking a tray of hot dogs through a sliding door to the people inside.

I don't know how he was doing all of those things at once, but he was. We were caught up in the frenzy of this wonderfully mundane scenario, which was rendered somewhat magical when attributed to one of our childhood heroes.

To this day, I kind of believe that it really must have happened...exactly as we envisioned it. Fortunately, in our version he wasn't showing off his manboobs.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

the list #3205

dou*ble has*sel*hoff

definition: the manliest sandwich you could imagine. it would include "every kind of meat ever. and chest hair."

origin: the superfriends


Monday, April 11, 2011

the list #1459

funerals are never fun.

that is, unless you're in our family, where we have a knack for turning even the most inappropriate and solemn occasions into a bearable (if not hilarious) happening.

years ago our family attended a wake for a family friend that only my parents knew. my two younger brothers and i stood with our parents, not really knowing anyone else in attendance. eventually beth's family showed up as well and all of us kids huddled together uneasily. at this point in our lives we hadn't attended many wakes or funerals, and we were all feeling a bit uneasy and out of place. we followed our parents up to the casket where they paid their last respects, then stood talking to a bunch of old people we didn't know. grown-ups. sheeeesh.

one thing that was really weirding out us kids was the fact that the man in the casket had sunglasses on. i'm sure we made some inappropriate jokes about roy orbison. whatever the case, we could not take our eyes off him.

the man whose father was in the casket walked up to our family. us kids knew him only vaguely, and hadn't seen him in quite some time.

"mike, shake his hand!" our mom encouraged. a look of abject horror spread across his face. mike looked at my mom with an expression that said, "if you really love me, you won't make me do it." the man extended his hand. our mom nudged mike in the shoulder. mike took his hand and shook it in return.

later on, my mom asked my brother why he didn't want to shake the man's hand.

"i thought you were talking about the guy in the casket!" mike exclaimed, clearly relieved to find out he was sorely mistaken.

there was also the time our two families were at the funeral home listening to a priest give the eulogy. we were already delighted that he looked like a monk rather than a priest, but then beth and i were apparently the only ones who noticed him burp in the middle of his eulogy and contine talking as if nothing happened.
holding back laughter when it's completely inappropriate to do so is one of our specialties.

and of course, whenever the topic of funerals arises, i can't help but think of the time beth busted out with this gem seemingly out of nowhere: "i liked your grandma's funeral the most because they had some really good bakery!" (list #2560)

glad to see you have your priorities in perspective, cousin!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

#2057: Watching ‘The Big Lebowski’ (not really)

One lazy afternoon (maybe in the summer), Erin and I were sitting in her living room with nothing to do. As she scrolled through the TV guide channel, we saw that "The Big Lebowski" was playing on one of the movie channels. Never having seen it, and finding it hilarious that we actually knew someone with the last name of Lebowski who was very short (a 'SMALL Lebowski, get it?), we decided to give it a whirl.

Before reading on, please note the fact that we knew nothing about the movie’s plot, nor had we any idea who was actually in it…

When we first put it on, I noticed that the woman looked really familiar. “I think that’s Tia Carrere or whatever her name is,” I said.

A few minutes later, Zak Orth (Wet Hot American Summer, various Stella sketches) graced the screen. We were both surprised because we didn’t know that he was famous enough to be cast in a movie such as "The Big Lebowski".

After about half an hour, we were completely confused. Not one person had been referred to as "Lebowski". “Maybe it’s one of those things where you don’t find out who Lebowski is until the end,” I said. Erin suggested, “Maybe Lebowski isn’t a person. Maybe it’s a noun.”

So we continued watching, thinking that maybe the word "lebowski" referred to a mix-up of some kind, as in “Boy was THAT a big lebowski!” We became more convinced of the possibility as the plot thickened…this kid (played by Jason London) was totally in love with his hot math tutor and had just found out that she was actually HIS MATH TEACHER’S WIFE! What a big lebowski! Or maybe not…

(By the way...just in case "lebowski" actually WAS a noun and not a name, we did our due diligence by consulting the nearest Webster's. As you can probably guess, no "lebowski" to be found.)

One of us suggested that we check the actual printed TV guide to make sure that we were, in fact, watching the movie we thought we were watching. There it was, plain as day: channel 147 (or something), from 2pm-4pm (or sometime), "The Big Lebowski".

Somehow convinced that the TV guide channel and the printed TV guide could not possibly BOTH be wrong, we watched the entire movie all the way through the end credits, still wondering what in heaven’s name “The Big Lebowski” referred to and why everyone seemed to love it so much considering how utterly cheesy and lame it was.

Completely stymied, we finally decided to consult the internet. We searched for "The Big Lebowski" and immediately recognized that it was TOTALLY not what we had been watching. Jeff Bridges? John Goodman? They were SO not in that movie! We were flabbergasted to learn that bowling was such a large part of the plot, as no one had even mentioned bowling in the movie we’d been watching! What HAD we been watching anyway?

I figured that if we searched for Tia Carrere movies we’d probably find it, and we most certainly did: we’d spent the afternoon watching "My Teacher's Wife". Now THAT made some sense!

Postscript: To this day, neither one of us has actually seen "The Big Lebowski".

the list #3148

...because sometimes all you need is a good quote to get you through your day:

"i want cellophane wrapped around my face until i get light-headed and die. and then i want carl monday to find me." -joe t.


Monday, April 4, 2011

the list #159

here is a little family history lesson to keep you in the know.

my mom and beth's dad are brother and sister. my mom was the big sister.


beth and i were born less than a year apart. because our families have always been pretty close, we spent a lot of time together as kids. we had our first pajama parties together, where we watched reruns of "the monkees" and my mom helped us make our own lasagna.


one time beth was over our house and i was telling her about the movie i had just seen called "pinocchio." there was a particular scene that struck me as very funny where jiminy cricket is warming himself by the fire. when i was little and saw this movie, i mistakenly thought that he had no pants on because as you can plainly see, his pants match the color of his face exactly:


this is a confusing thing for a 4-year-old. still, it was funny, so i reenacted the scene for beth by pulling down my pants and rubbing my butt like he does to warm himself up in the movie.

in a prime example of extremely bad timing, my mom walked in the room and saw me not just mooning my cousin but rubbing my naked butt at her. i can only imagine the horror she must have felt. beth was either giggling, or covering her mouth in disbelief. i was sent to the corner as punishment.

years later, beth and i would tell the story to my mom and it turns out that she had no idea what i was doing (how could she?!) but it made for an even better story when she finally knew the truth. i guess mom was right when she said, "you guys are obsessed with body parts and you always have been!" (list # 2504)

for the record, here is the clip (at 4:00) that up until today i wasn't sure if i completely imagined. my 4-year-old self feels completely triumphant.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

#600, #664, #854, #948, #962: Mondegreens Part 2

#600: 'Circle Sky' by the Monkees
Misheard lyric (Beth): "Yes it looks like we've mated once again!"
Actual lyric: "Yes it looks like we've made it once again!"

#664: 'Say It Ain't So' by Weezer
Misheard lyric (Erin): "...wrestle with Jiminy!"
Actual lyric: "...wrestle with Jimmy!"

#854: 'Testosterone' by Bush (aka Bush X haha)
Misheard lyric (Andrew): "I am a horse! I am a horse!"
Actual lyric: "I am a whore! I am a whore!"

#948: 'Dedicated Friend' by Mike Nesmith & the First National Band
Misheard lyric (Beth and Erin): "Has anybody here seen CHEESE!?"
Actual lyric: "Has anybody here seen Jesus?"

#962: 'Zilch' by the Monkees
Misheard lyric (Andrew): "Mr. Thumbelina, Mr. Bob Thumbelina"
Actual lyric: "Mr. Dobbolina, Mr. Bob Dobbolina"

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

list quote # 1850

because sometimes you just need a good quote to get you through your day:

"if you don't play hide-n-seek, i'm going to stick a live lobster down my pants!" -zack kordan


ultimately, this was a lose/lose situation for zack.

#216, #217, #300, #338, #371: Mondegreens Part 1

From Wikipedia: "A mondegreen is the mishearing or misinterpretation of a phrase as a result near homophony, in a way that gives it a new meaning. It most commonly is applied to a line in a poem or a lyric in a song. American writer Sylvia Wright coined the term in her essay 'The Death of Lady Mondegreen,' published in Harper's Magazine in November 1954."

Here are some of our all-time favorite mondegreens along with the names and affiliations of the people in our lives who misheard them:

#216: 'Undone-The Sweater Song' by Weezer
Misheard lyric (Erin): "...soon you'll see my titties"
Actual lyric: " your Superman skivvies"
(see Erin's intro for the video--no need to post it again)

#217: 'Lucas with the Lid Off' by Lucas
Misheard lyric (Erin): "a real sucker"
Actual lyric: "I feel so good"

#300: 'Orange Crush' by REM
Misheard lyric (Erin): "I've got my spider, got my orange Crush"
Actual lyric: "I've got my spine, I've got my orange Crush"

#338: 'Landslide' covered by Smashing Pumpkins
Misheard lyric (both of us): "I'm getting old, ACHOO!"
Actual lyric: "I'm getting older too"

#371: 'Heart-Shaped Box' by Nirvana
Misheard lyric (Beth's brother Kenny): "Hey! Ray! I got a singin-o-may"
Actual lyric: "Hey! Wait! I got a new complaint"

Monday, March 21, 2011

the list #2011 and #2012

i know this might sound hard to believe, but once upon a time the internet was a novel new thing. i remember when my family first got aol and we had to pay the bill according to how much time we spent online -- there was no such thing as unlimited use. my parents expected us to adhere to a strict schedule of 30 minutes a day by posting a sign-up sheet next to the computer. you can imagine how difficult this often was for a 14-year-old girl who had mtv chat rooms to visit and green day news sites to check. i spent countless hours chatting on instant message with some of my earliest internet friends (who i still know today) who had screen names like "thelowestgear" and "daisyberk9."

when downloading music became popular, beth and i were early into our college careers. we arrived back at my parents house one afternoon after class to an empty house and a puzzling result on the open "kazaa" download list. someone in the house had recently downloaded the song "reelin in the years" by steely dan...but WHO??? who in my family had the gall to download such an atrocity?

"it was probably my brother chris," i guessed.

"nah, i think it was mike," beth admitted.

pitted against each other, we decided to up the ante. only one of us would be right, and the other would have to suffer the consequences: during roll call in our "gender and sexuality" class the next morning, the loser of the bet would have to snort really loud.

mike arrived home first and beth asked him if he downloaded the steely dan song.

"of course," he said, sitting down in front of the computer and turning up the speakers full volume. OUCH.

cut to class the next morning. beth is giddy knowing the task i have ahead of me and how much i'm dreading it. our teacher, whopper, so nicknamed because beth claimed his shaved head made him look like "a malted milk ball, one that dropped on the floor and got dirty" (list # 1983) was taking attendance. i was trying to pick a good time, but really, when IS a good time to snort really loudly when the classroom is dead silent?



people looked around curiously, and i tried to look just as confused as they did so i didn't look guilty. poor marissa looked most confused of all, wondering if this was some sort of personal attack. there's no doubt that the person directly in front of me knew my secret, but i tried really hard to play it off.

sorry, marissa.

and damn you and your steely dan, mike.

#1102,#1976,#1978-1980,and #3049: Telephone

One of the most entertaining pastimes for us is to play Telephone. This is because nearly everyone in our family has a really big problem understanding anything that anyone says. I haven't heard of any scientific studies that could prove a genetic connection, but I kind of think there must be.

If you've somehow never played Telephone, here's the gist of it: several people (at least 4) sit in a circle. One person comes up with a 'message' and whispers it to the person next to them. That person whispers it to the person next to THEM, and so on. Once it comes to the last person, they have to say what they believe they heard--very different, in most cases, from the original message.

The following are some of the Telephone messages that were classic enough to make the List (along with the original message when available):

#1102: "Rob Nelson resigned!" (original message: "Roy Orbison's blind.")

#1976: "One, two, three, four...get your niece up on the cot!"

#1978: "Gratuitous sex for better grades!"

#1979: "Schooper dooper doo, it's not a species too!"

#1980: This entry does not refer to a particular message--rather, it addresses the hilarity that a well-placed snort can lend to the game. Trust me.

#3049: "(chewing noise)...Blackbeard the pirate needs a haircut!"

I don't know if you noticed, but for some reason everything always ends up coming out as an exclamation. I think there's a comedic law stating that everything is funnier with an exclamation point...if there isn't, there should be. Kind of reminds me of this...

Sunday, March 20, 2011

the list #1287 and #1288

beth's family moved several times growing up, so we marked periods of our lives by the street they lived on. during the hathaway house period there wasn't much to do except walk across the street to the trashy shopping center and hope some high school boys were skateboarding in the parking lot.

one night we asked her parents if we could walk across the street to kmart. we liked to play in the close-outs sections of the stores and laugh at things like giant pairs of undies.

"only if you take your brothers with you," they told us, "we have to take your sister to her basketball game."

with nothing better to do, we rounded up joey and kenny. it was already dark when we set out, but for some reason we didn't bother to check just how late it was. kmart was closed for the nite; there was no fun to be had in the undies aisle. but there WAS a strange pile of crap in the snow in the middle of the empty parking lot. the four of us started poking around. it was a pile of frozen clothes! apparently someone had intended to drop the garbage bag in the goodwill donation box at the other end of the parking lot and never made it to their destination. soon we were yanking out items left and right like it was buried treasure.

"look, a pair of gym shorts!" i held them up to my waist. i traded them to one of beth's brothers for a gym shirt instead.

"hey, here's somebody's id card. i think this kid goes to my high school," beth said, sticking the card in her pocket and pulling a stylish blue sweater out of the frozen mound. in an ironic twist of fate, beth and i would eventually become friends with the kid on the id, whose name was john. i think we even told him how we took some of his clothes home with us that night, and for whatever reason he stayed friends with us even after an admission like that. on second thought maybe its not so strange after all, as john would eventually attend one of my birthday parties and walk around for a portion of the night with my mom's cow toaster cover on his head before pressing his naked butt against our sliding glass door. but i digress...

so me, beth, joey and kenny each carried a frozen prize home with us. halfway back to their house, someone noticed that there was a man walking behind us in the dark.

"he's following us," we whispered to each other, "he must have seen us take these clothes and now he's coming after us!"

we ran. we didn't stop until we reached the front door, and even then we didn't stop. the family dogs started barking when we stampeded through the door.

"the dogs are barking! he must be outside!"

we panicked. we ran into the kitchen and grabbed weapons, then locked ourselves in the bathroom. joey suddenly realized he didn't have a weapon handy and he scanned the bathroom counter for something suitable. and so the four of us crouched and waited for the next 45 minutes, clutching an apple peeler, a butter knife, a letter opener, and a bottle of lysol.

we debated what we should do: should one of us risk leaving the safety of the bathroom to run across the kitchen for the phone to call 911? should someone sneak out the bathroom window and run to the neighbor for help? how would we explain to their parents that we ruined the window screen? he WAS in the house, wasn't he?!

when we heard the dogs barking a second time, we grabbed our weapons and held onto each other for dear life.

"hello, anybody home?" their dad called out.


we refused to come out until their dad thoroughly checked the house for any intruders.

"check the closets one more time," we told him.

then we filled the utility tub with hot water and thawed out our frozen clothes.

beth's frozen sweater

wearing my frozen bulldogs gym shirt (with a special appearance, down low, by cwis wayhew)

q: what do most normal people do in the bathroom? a: BAKE A CHOCOLATE CAKE!

The thing I remember most about the early days of the List was the fact that other people had to be specifically granted permission to even know about it. It was a HUGE deal if one of us started dating a boy and the other agreed that he could know about the List.

Some of you, upon reading two or three entries, may wish that we'd kept the List to ourselves. And that's OK.

But if you can appreciate the fact that Damien and Ralph sleep butt to face, if Children of the Corn fanfiction sounds interesting to you, or if you've ever dumped chewed-up Easter candy and a packet of ramen noodle seasoning into the toilet for your mom to find...

...the List by Beth and Erin will quickly become your newest internet addiction.

I love you.

Friday, March 18, 2011

introducing, the king of cartoooooooooons!

the year was 1994.

my cousin beth and i bonded while we thrifted for checkered polyester grandpa pants and dyed our hair green with food coloring. we ransacked the library's new selection of alternative rock cassettes and begged our parents to buy us fender stratocasters, even though neither of us had ever played a guitar in our whole life. it was a glorious time to be 12 years old.

while coming of age and discovering ourselves, we also discovered that we were the same person: erinandbeth. for the next decade+, we were inseparable. we got through life with a shared sense of humor and appreciation for laughter, sometimes at the most inappropriate of times. in 1994, we started keeping a list of everything we thought was funny: quotes, stories, people, EVERYTHING. over the years the list grew and grew, until it reached legendary proportions. it probably helped that everyone close to us knew that the list existed, but no one was ever allowed to see it except the two of us. and so it has stayed that way through the years, even though the list hasn't been updated since 2007. we felt like it was finally time to share our pride and joy with everyone else -- hell, we've probably been laughing at you all along, we might as well let you in on the joke!

we hope you enjoy these stories based on THE LIST as much as we do.