Sunday, June 12, 2011

the list # 860


one summer day, beth and i found ourselves at a party surrounded by a bunch of white trash. it was a birthday party for one of our cousins with a side of the family we had just recently "acquired." an uncle (who admitted to me that he wanted a tasmanian devil tattoo on his leg) married our aunt (stereotypically from - you guessed it - west virginia) and the aunt had a bunch of family over that we had never met before. it was the kind of place where there were too many dogs running around and children who probably never owned a pair of socks or shoes.


we were outside in the backyard, trying to steer clear of most of the company. because it was so hot, all the kids who were at the party were playing with the hose. some were filling up water balloons, which they then used to chase people around the backyard with. eventually the kids happened upon an easy target, a chubby preteen named henry that they were able to corner behind some cars and pelt with half a dozen water balloons. a few of the smaller kids tried to grab him by the arms to hold him in place while the other kids hit him with water balloons and tried to turn the hose on him. our 3-year-old cousin grabbed him by the leg and held on tight, making it impossible for henry to run away.

"WHAT IS THIS?!? BEAT UP HENRY DAY?!" the fat kid cried.

yes, we decided. yes it is.

so feel free to beat up anyone named henry today. and if they demand to know why, tell them you can't help that it was declared a holiday 16 years ago and they'll just have to live with it, even if that means living in fear every june 12th.


Wednesday, June 1, 2011

the list #2177

beth and i have this really elusive friend named larry. he was always a very secretive person and would appear and disappear from people's lives like a phantom. people would lose track of him, try to get a hold of him, and not be able to reach him for months (or years!) at a time. sometimes its hard to believe he ever really existed at all. this last stretch where he went missing has been going on for what seems like forever (but is probably more like 5 years). this must be even weirder for beth to deal with, seeing as how she once dated phantom larry.

during one of the periods where phantom larry was able to be located, the three of us went to the movies to see "wet hot american summer" -- an entry in itself but i'll save that for another update.


after the movie was over, we set out on our way home but made a wrong turn somewhere and ended up in the worst part of town ever. it was already night, and the three of us had no idea how to find our way home especially in the dark. we hoped that phantom larry would take charge of the situation and ease our fears because beth and i were close to tears, but he had no idea how to find his way home either. this was before the popularity of cell phones, and none of us had one available. we were not about to stop for a pay phone and risk leaving the safety of the car...not that we could even FIND a pay phone anyway.

we were getting hopeless and desperate when suddenly, the voice of eric clapton came streaming out of beth's car stereo. before we knew what was happening, the three of us were singing along at the top of our lungs to "tears in heaven." i think i speak for all of us when i say i fucking hate eric clapton. normally i couldn't tell you the words to a single song. yet like magic, everyone knew all the words to the song and we belted it out with completely inappropriate enthusiasm considering the subject matter at hand (his son falling out of a building - yikes). also like magic, beth began taking random turns and we excitedly began pointing out things we recognized.

"i know where we are! turn here!" we whooped and hollered and sang "tears in heaven" even louder, pounding our fists on the roof of the car when it became too much and we could not contain ourselves.

just like that, we were back on familiar turf. we knew if it weren't for eric clapton, we would have been lost in the ghetto forever.


this one's for you, phantom larry...wherever you are!