Sunday, June 12, 2011

the list # 860


one summer day, beth and i found ourselves at a party surrounded by a bunch of white trash. it was a birthday party for one of our cousins with a side of the family we had just recently "acquired." an uncle (who admitted to me that he wanted a tasmanian devil tattoo on his leg) married our aunt (stereotypically from - you guessed it - west virginia) and the aunt had a bunch of family over that we had never met before. it was the kind of place where there were too many dogs running around and children who probably never owned a pair of socks or shoes.


we were outside in the backyard, trying to steer clear of most of the company. because it was so hot, all the kids who were at the party were playing with the hose. some were filling up water balloons, which they then used to chase people around the backyard with. eventually the kids happened upon an easy target, a chubby preteen named henry that they were able to corner behind some cars and pelt with half a dozen water balloons. a few of the smaller kids tried to grab him by the arms to hold him in place while the other kids hit him with water balloons and tried to turn the hose on him. our 3-year-old cousin grabbed him by the leg and held on tight, making it impossible for henry to run away.

"WHAT IS THIS?!? BEAT UP HENRY DAY?!" the fat kid cried.

yes, we decided. yes it is.

so feel free to beat up anyone named henry today. and if they demand to know why, tell them you can't help that it was declared a holiday 16 years ago and they'll just have to live with it, even if that means living in fear every june 12th.


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